She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
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