Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize