Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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