I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
