I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
