***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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