So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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