Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
she smelled like a LAN party
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
