It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
