Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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