Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
