the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
