...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize