Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
