Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize