So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Actions speak louder than pants.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
