Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I looked at my own cervix.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
