I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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