Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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