I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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