Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
