so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I wish there were birth control emojis
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
