i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
