Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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