I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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