I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
