U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
There's always time for handjobs
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
