Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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