She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
