He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
