there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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