we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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