Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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