Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
