Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
