if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize