This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
