drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
