whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
