I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
