Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
