i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
