Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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