I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
