I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
