i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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