I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
