Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I stole a fireplace last night.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
how does that bad decision feel?
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