Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
