Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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