I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
