you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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