I am in a vortex of obligation.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
