You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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