I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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