I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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