happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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