I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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