There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize