I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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