My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
