ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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