After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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